Blown Away
by wanderlust56
Summary: The aftermath of Kozik's death according to someone who loved him...
1. Destroyed

**Destroyed**

_I might leave this as a one shot, or I might continue. Have to think on it. Feel free to comment your opinions, even though there's not much there!_

I got a call a week ago. My best friend, and longtime love, was dead. Killed in an explosion his brother said. There wasn't even a body to bury. He was just gone. I thought my heart had been broken before, but I was wrong. I had never felt such pain. It was an all consuming pain. Emotional and physical. I could not avoid him. He was a part of me that was ripped out of me by the claws of Death. I loved him so much that sometimes I still saw him, felt him. But it was an all a big hoax. I lost him. I lost that part of me. And I knew it could never be replaced.

I was supposed to meet his brother for lunch in a few hours, which meant leaving my apartment. I'd been out of work for a week, saying I had gotten the flu. Total bullshit. But the administration was buying it, and that's what mattered. I sat on my floor with a photo album. I turned to the first page.

There I was short, bobbed brown hair and a dark purple one piece swimsuit. I was seven years and grinning like only a child can. My arm was around the shoulder of a little boy. He was taller than me. Blonde haired and blue eyes with red popsicle coloring the tongue he was sticking out. The warm summer sun had tanned both of our skins. I turned the photo over and read what my mom had written.

Mia &amp; Kozik

-78

I smiled at this picture. The first real smile since I got that call. It had always been Kozik and I. Although, that wasn't his first name. It was Herman, but no one called him except for his mother. From elementary school we were playmates. Our fathers worked together in the lumber yard. We grew up in the same neighborhood, two streets apart. Hell, we did just about everything together. We were partners in crime. I traced his outline and turned to the next page.


	2. Halloween

**Halloween**

_Just going through this album photo by photo... Hope you guys can enjoy it. I just miss Kozik and thought his death was BS so I had to write about him. R&amp;R!_

The next page we were a bit older. Ten and eleven. It was the fall, there was a massive pile of leaves next to us. We were standing in front of my house. An old yellow Cape. Jack-o-lanterns decorated my front porch in the background. It was Halloween. I was dressed as a witch. All black dress, black tights, black pointy hat and some poorly done eyeliner. I remember insisting that my mother let me do it. My hair was pulled into a side braid, it was longer now. My pillow case to collect candy was on the ground by my feet.

Kozik, my best friend, was in red and black from head to toe. He was meant to be a ninja. His blonde hair stood out even more with the bandana he had tied on his head. He was smiling this time. God, how I loved that smile. It always lit up a room, it was so genuine and sweet. I missed that about him already. I sighed staring at that snapshot. A moment of our childhood frozen in time.

I felt the lost on my shoulders. Like an incredibly heavy weight. I knew it could crush me if it desired. There was more to the grief than just the lost of Kozik. It was the fact that I hadn't opened this album in almost a decade. It bothered me that it had taken his death for me to revisit some of the best moments of my life.

And the other piece of the weight was the regret. I still loved him. I could never stop. I wasn't sure if he knew that. The idea of him dying without knowing that was eating at me. Pulling me apart, brick by brick. I never should have let him walk away. I should have begged him not to go. Swallowed my pride and let him come inside the house. Forgave him. Now the one man who had ever held my heart was dead and I had no way of making sure Kozik knew how much I loved him.

This is when the tears began to fall. Just one by one. I was there on my floor, crying quietly. Letting them hit my young face and his. Splatter across the jack-o-lanterns. I wondered if I would ever recover from this.


	3. The Slide

**The Slide**

_Hey! I didn't forget this story but I've been crazy busy getting settled into college! As always Read and Review! _

The picture on the next page was interesting to me. It was just before Koz and I fell out of touch for a while. We were both in middle school at thirteen and fourteen. Thus we were both hitting our awkward phases. I had braces and was starting to develop a chest. He was growing taller by the day it seemed. A faint hint of facial hair was sprouting on his upper lip that year. I remember it being his pride and joy. But, the most significant change was how our classmates were starting to see each other.

It seemed almost out of nowhere. But we realized that boys were in fact, sort of cute. The boys seemed to think we were something else too. But we wouldn't speak. Thus Kozik and I had a hard time being as close as we'd always been. Walking down the hallway with him sent the rumors flying. Are you two, ya know, boyfriend and girlfriend? Oh my god, have you kissed him? Surviving in middle school came down to one simple rule. Conform. Do that and you'll be fine. So that's what we did. Our need to fit in slowly drove a gap between us. It broke my heart at the time. And I knew it was killing him too. It was hard to lose touch with him but we both knew why it was needed.

But here in this picture we were still happy. Still content being best friends. In this photo there were three of us. Koz, myself, and his brother Daniel. Daniel was two years older than Kozik. They fought like most brothers do, but they loved each other. In the photo it was winter. All three of us bundled up in our snow gear. Fluffy winter jackets, snow pants, clunky boots, woolen hat, and gloves. We stood on a snowbank, a massive hill looming behind. That hill wasn't far from my house. A five minute walk at most. It was part of the local park in my neighborhood. All three of us held our plastic sleds to our sides. Each of us smiling.

I thought back to that day. I tried to remember it. We had gone sledding before when we were younger. We had done it all the time. But this time my Mom wanted to document it. She had probably assumed this would be our last time flying down that hill. She was right.

I remembered how it felt, the sun was shining. But it wasn't warm, it was only teasing us. It was the dead of winter, January I thought. It was frigid. But that wasn't stopping the three hellions in the picture. I remembered how the wind would sting my cheeks as I raced the boys to the bottom. I remembered helping them build a jump for the sleds. And how Daniel face planted when he gave it a try.

But for me the sledding on the hill wasn't the best part. It was what happened afterwards, usually at my place. There was hot chocolate with those yummy mini marshmallows. A TV playing a movie after we'd argued for twenty minutes on what to watch. The warm, fuzzy blankets. And most importantly, nodding off to sleep on the couch. Usually my head would end up on Kozik's shoulder. He never seemed to mind. And neither did I.


	4. Intertwined

**Intertwined**

_I haven't forgotten this story! Thanks for your patience! As always Read &amp; Review!_

After I pulled myself together, letting the tears stop falling for a little while. I flipped the page. This page contained three separate photographs. I was standing outside of Fisher High School in Tacoma. I was 15. My braces were gone, my hair was silky and long, and a womanly figure was beginning to show. It was my first day of freshman year. I remembered being so nervous, the butterflies in your stomach. But then I was excited too. Hoping that maybe high school was as amazing and glamorous as everyone said. I was wearing a light blue t-shirt and a pair of dark jeans. I was smiling from ear to ear outside that old brick building.

The second picture was of Kozik. I remembered how his Mom and mine had to nearly force him at gunpoint to take the photograph. He was 16 and was going to be a sophomore that year. Koz had a faded black Led Zeppelin t-shirt and worn out jeans. Even though we were into our teenage years he still had his signature blonde hair. I noticed that if I looked close enough I could make out the dark black toes of his favorite motorcycle boots. That year was the first time he ever owned a motorcycle. It was an old Harley his Dad picked up for him and it was piece of junk. But Kozik managed to get it running, even though it was ugly as hell.

After the single shots of each of us our mothers forced us to take a picture together. This was one of my favorite pictures of the two of us. When the picture was taken we weren't quite paying attention. I had turned to look at him and he was looking down at me. Shy smiles painted across our faces. His arm was hooked around my shoulders and mine wrapped around his waist.

Unbeknownst to us at the time but this photo session is what brought us back to each other after we lost touch. I had never been so happy to have Herman Kozik back in my life. As we became closer we started something entirely new by Spring Break of that year. We were together. I had done the thing the childhood Mia would've been repulsed by. I had fallen in love with Kozik.


	5. Burning

**Burning**

_REVIEWS PLEASE! I'm begging you guys!_

I felt the worn paper beneath my fingers. It was white with silver patterns scattered throughout. I had wanted more colorful pages but my mother preferred the uniformity. She said this way you focus on the photographs, the important things, not the background.

The next photograph was when we were still so young, when our love was still fresh. When our feelings were so brand new and intoxicating. We were about two years older. I at 17 and Kozik at 18. It was close to the end of summer. I remembered the warm breeze blowing, dancing across the back of my neck. As I thought of that I remembered how it felt when he would rain kisses all over my body. I shook my head casting away those memories. I wasn't ready for that new wave of hurt.

This photograph had been touched and loved many times. It had been folded, denoted by the obvious creases. I carried it in my wallet, everywhere I went. This was my favorite picture of us when I was on the cusp of giving my whole life to Herman Kozik.

This was a photo I had taken with my Polaroid camera. The sun was setting, bathing the Earth with a burning orange light. Splashes of pinks and a trace of yellow decorating the Heavens. And there he was. My best friend turned love. He was leaning against his Harley, which he had tinkered on and was somewhat presentable.

His 6'1" frame was dark outline against the backdrop of the sky. I could barely make out his face. We were on an old gravel road. Overlooking the most massive forest in the United States. We had taken a day trip to see the Redwood trees in North California. Going on these adventures was one of our favorite excursions to take together. During those years we were sure no two people had ever cared about each other the way we did. We were unique, a new breed. He always talked about going across the entire country together on his bike. Living free. At that point in my life I would've followed Kozik anywhere.

Looking back now, I wish I had.


	6. Milestones

**Milestones**

_I know... I know. It's been forever. But I got busy. But be happy I wrote this little thing for y'all! Enjoy and review! :)_

I moved myself, along with the album and it's box, to my bed. Laying down across the dark purple comforter I was much more comfortable. I thumbed the pages, there were still quite a few that remained to be seen. I leaned down and turned to the following page, leaving behind our tiny little piece of paradise in the Redwood trees at sunset.

The next page was one that was incredibly important to both of our families. Prom and graduations. I stared at our prom night picture and laughed to myself. I remembered how much I had to beg Koz to get him to even consider wearing a tux. But he did it. Cause at the time he still loved me. I was wearing a dark, navy strapless dress. Very form fitting with a slit in the side. My hair was pulled to the side, curling with ease.

I remembered how after prom we drove over to a 7-11 and got Coke slushies. I knew most of my girlfriends assumed we'd snuck off to do what every other couple does on prom night. We'd already been there. I remembered sitting on that curb with him, head resting on his shoulder. Feeling Koz intertwining his fingers with mine. Sharing a cola flavored kiss and trying at the time to tell him how much I loved him.

The next was an even more crucial moment, especially important for Koz's mother. My parents too but mostly her. Koz's dad had split on their little family before Kozik could walk. His mother had done her best to raise two good sons, seeing them graduate was massively important to her.

I stared down and my man and I in our cap and gowns respectively. Still feeling how intensely hot it was to wear one of those things. And the exhilaration of tossing that stupid square hat high in the air. But the best part of the day I graduated was running off with Koz afterwards. Riding on his Harley to an old swimming spot we used to frequent when we were kids.

I remembered how his callused hands felt on my body. Us both dripping wet. On this massive yellow blanket I'd swiped from my living room. The overwhelming pleasure that was Kozik. I could still hear his whispers. Feel his heartbeat pounding in time with mine.


	7. Never Let Me Go

**Never Let Me Go**

_Okay, I have no excuse this time. But I'm gonna try harder! I promise! Every couple of weeks at least!_

I curled up with my favorite blanket, it was a plush white. Soft and warm. I didn't have very many pages left. This meant my visit to the past, where Kozik was still living, would have to end soon. And I would have to begin the gut wrenching process of letting him go, forever.

When I saw the next picture I was flooded with bittersweet emotion. It was the day I left to attend college. I had been accepted at the University of Washington in Seattle. I remembered how I wrestled with the decision to leave. I loved Koz so much. In the end, he told me to go. He told me to chase my dreams of becoming a nurse. He supported my decision but I knew it was breaking his heart.

This was a photo a stranger took of us. My dorm, in all its red brick glory, was looming behind us. I had drove up with my car and Koz had followed on his bike. Kozik stood behind me, arms wrapped tightly around my waist. My hands laid on top of his, I was smiling at the camera. He was flashing a trademark grin. My dark hair was wild from the wind that day, my red sundress slightly wrinkled. I could still feel Koz's worn and soft Levi's and his black Harley t-shirt.

I remember after the photo was taken, we begin our goodbyes. I would be home in about three months, when I had my first break. But this was the longest we were ever separated in our lives. He kissed me deeply. Told me how much he loved me. That if I wanted him to he would ride over every week to see me. I said no. He was working at a bike shop in Tacoma, getting to be a decent mechanic. He was also training as a boxer. I wanted him to chase his own dreams.

When it was my turn for goodbyes I turned to him and said something that is still true today.

"It's you. It's always been you. I love you, baby."

I said those words as I turned the page.

_Hey, give me a review. Come on. I wrote you 411 words, give me one sentence. Please and thanks!_


	8. Directions

**Directions**

_Keep them reviews coming! I love them and I love the fact that you guys enjoy this story! _

The next picture marked the beginning of a serious change in our relationship. It was about three years later, Koz and I were back in Tacoma. It was fall and the streets were littered with the brightly colored leaves. The sky was a brilliant shade of blue, a gorgeous back drop for the black building we were leaning against.

So much had changed in three years. I was nearly finished with school, I was ready to start my career. I was ready for a life, I wanted desperately for Koz to be with me. But he was following his own path and dreams. About two years previous he came to visit me at school, wearing leather on his back. He was prospecting for a local motorcycle club, Sons of Anarchy.

At first, I thought it was just something he was testing out so I didn't say anything. Although I wasn't naive. I knew the Sons weren't exactly on the best of terms with law enforcement. After a few months, I knew Koz was serious about it. Even after I protested his decision to prospect for the club.

I tried so hard to keep my mouth shut out of respect for my man. But we were soon living in very different worlds. The day this photo was taken was the day he became a patched member of Sons of Anarchy Tacoma. It was also the day I became his Old Lady in the eyes of his new brothers.

We were standing outside of the Tacoma clubhouse, his arm was draped around my shoulder and mine wrapped around his waist. I could still feel the leather of the kutte underneath my fingers. I could still smell it. My hair was curled and teased to perfection and I was smiling. My dark jeans and black boots matched my black lace long sleeve. Kozik was standing tall, chest stuck out. His million watt smile had taken over his entire face. His new patch meant everything to him, sometimes I thought he put the patch above me on his priority list. And sometimes I was right.


	9. Missy

**Missy**

_I know this a little bit different but I've always wanted to know more about Tig and Kozik's past. Review please! _

This picture was different from the others. I was the one behind the camera. This photo was taken inside the SAMTAC clubhouse. You could see an intricately carved reaper hanging on the wall. Ragged old couches and one side of a card table, littered with beer bottles and shot glasses. Those were just minor details. The main focus on this picture was Koz and his best friend, Tig. Tig was another member of SAMTAC at the time but he was from Cali originally. He had transferred to Tacoma a few years before Koz patched in. Tig was a wild man. Blue eyed with raging black curls and a twisted sense of humor. But Koz loved his brother. So I loved him too.

They were standing together Koz in one of his best loved t-shirts and Tig was wearing a button down with the sleeves rolled up. Between their legs sat Tig's most recent idea. A tiny German Shepard puppy. I had been volunteering at the Tacoma Animal Shelter and that's how I found the pup. She was going to be put down if she couldn't find a home, so I grabbed her. Unfortunately, our landlord didn't allow pets. So now the little puppy was, in their eyes, the unofficial mascot of SAMTAC. The grins painted on both of their faces were a mile wide. It was always a blessing to see Koz smile, especially since he patched. Sometimes the stress sent him spiraling out of control.

After the photograph was taken I sat on the floor with Koz playing with the puppy, whom Tig had christened Missy. I remembered sitting there as the door blew open and Quinn, a mountain of a man and President, came into the Clubhouse. And then the strangest thing happened. Without he simply sat down beside me and started to pet the little dog.

Then Tig told him the dog would be living at the Clubhouse with him. And Quinn just rolled his eyes and smiled.

I think that was the last time we were all genuinely happy together.


End file.
